Parenting poetry,
From: Purple is a Fruit
http://purplefruit.clubmom.com/
Look!
Here,
in my hand
it's a Kleenex tissue
with lotion. Lotion!
It has aloe and vitamin E and it is soft.
If I were wiping your nose
with a Brillo pad
Maybe I could better understand
your reaction.
As it is
you're just making me
want to take my sweet-ass time.
...
You remind me of a Microsoft ad campaign
except
instead of "Where Do You Want to Go Today?"
yours would be
"What Food Will You Reject Today?"
I know
they're not really that similar
except that they both SUCK.
...
Guess what,
little one.
I have
a newsflash
for you.
This task? At hand?
Is not my favorite
either.
How's about giving
me a break
So I can more properly
dig poop
from
your
scrotal
area.
...
Sometimes when you run
it looks like the bottom half of your body
isn't really connected
to the top half.
I don't know why
I love that so much.
My little malfunctioning
robot.
...
Hey! Let's flap our arms!
Hey! Let's play with trucks!
Hey! Let's scream with joy!
Hey! Let's run real fast!
Hey! Let's start crying for no reason whatsoever!
Wait.
Damn.
And it was going so well.
...
I like to take your pants off
because then you go all crazy
and run around giggling
As if you could say
I'm Crazy No-Pants Baby!
Give me some candy!
Maybe you wouldn't really say that
because you don't know who
Adam Sandler is
But that's what I imagine you saying
when you run around like some kind of
crazy no-pants baby.
...
I know the first time you did it
we laughed.
And now you don't understand
why it's not okay
to feed the dog string cheese.
Please, just
stop. She's getting
fat
and you're
not eating your goddamn
dinner.
...
I used to joke about
how it was a good thing babies aren't twenty feet tall
because oh my god
think of the damage they could do.
But now I know
if ever there was a twenty-foot baby
mostly things would get
drooled on.
Now, a twenty-foot toddler
that's just
terrifying.
...
Um, sweetie?
How can I say this
It makes Daddy
uncomfortable
when you curiously
touch
his nipple.
Today you ran
full tilt
directly into my knees
and hugged me.
And I was all,
be careful!
But I didn't really want you to be careful
if that meant
not doing it again.
...
Kissing you is sort of
like kissing
a
banana slug.
Well I'm sorry!
But it is.
Come here,
my beloved
Old-Navy-clad
gastropod.
...
Whenever I hold your tiny, eager hands
I think
Please
oh please
Let me be so lucky
to hold your hands throughout the years
Let me hold your reluctant, older hands
and remember the days
they were tiny.
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